New house, new major, new me

I've officially started my junior year of college and am just left wondering where the past two years have gone? I can still vividly remember pulling on to Gordon's campus as a freshman, all ready for field hockey preseason, and sobbing as my parents drove away. Now, as a 3rd year student, a few tears trickled down my cheeks as I left my dad at the airport last Friday and drove "home" to my new abode at Dexter House. Now, mind you, I certainly miss my family, but I've also found a family in my fellow Elijahmites. I love this house, albeit the 15 minute walk to my 7:30 am class. And yesterday, after thinking it through since last spring, I changed my major to Psychology and made Bio a minor! I'm so excited about it because psych will open up a few more doors career-wise, though don't worry! I still plan to go to PA school after Gordon! So at the start of my junior year, I'm in a new house, with awesome people, I've got a new major and some great classes, and I think I'm growing up and becoming a little bit more independent. Everything just feels right, and I feel like God has shown me confirmation of my major decision (haha...punny, right?) over the past 24 hours. For instance, in my Developmental Psych class, I basically get to observe, study, and play with little kids. How much better can it get?

God is so good.

Resistance...

I took a huge piece of wisdom away from RL tonight that I know I need constant reminders of:

Its entirely too easy to miss out on plans that Jesus has for you because you're looking for or expecting something else (look at the gospels...his own "subjects" wouldn't accept him as the Messiah because he didn't fit their idea of the one who would come riding in and sweep them out from under Rome's rule).

We need to dive in head first, drop our nets, listen, discern, and follow.

Resistance is futile.

Time Turned Fragile

Well, its almost time for me to head back to school. Its kind of unbelievable that this summer is pretty much at an end. Its been great in a lot of ways, like the fact that I learned a ton and a half about medicine and pediatrics, got more involved at GT, spent some time with family and friends, and, as always, grew a little bit! And as always, I don't feel ready to go back. Sure, I'm ready to see my friends and get into the Elijah house, but I'm just not ready to leave. Just as I get settled and get used to being home or at school, its time to pack up and leave and I'm left wondering...will life always be made up of these transitions? I'm sure not always, but then for how long? And will it ever get easier?

Also, I played with a Wii for the first time this weekend and I love it. So if anyone has $300 just lying around and wants to get me a birthday present, September 7th is coming up soon. :)

Tired

I just realized that I'm tired of not being able to fully commit to my relationships. The grim reality is that I'm not good about staying in touch. I don't call people and its not that I don't want to talk, its just that I get so busy and wrapped up in where I am that I don't make the time to call people. And honestly, I've been feeling lonely lately. I don't remember the last time I could sit down with a friend, old or new, and really talk. Most of my conversations with people lately have been 40 minute "catch-up" chats with friends I haven't talked to all summer. Sometimes I just get tired of stopping my relationships dead in their tracks and just picking up the next time I'm in town. I hope this is just a season of my life. That life isn't always like this. Someone told me today that life and relationships are like a pendulum and sometimes you're swinging with people and sometimes you're swinging in opposite directions. I need more security and consistency, though.

Right now, I feel as though I'm just sitting at a red light. I feel like I can't tell if God wants me to turn on a blinker or keep going straight, and like He's not giving the green light on some of the intersections that I want to cross. And the funny thing is, I keep finding myself in situations that lead me to say, "really, Lord? REALLY? very funny, but really?!?" Like what I want so badly is just dangling right there in front of me, but I haven't been given permission to reach out and grab it. But waiting for God's go ahead is going to make it all so much sweeter. So that takes us back to the whole patience and timing thing. Really, I could write a book on the subject.

Surrender

I'm a complete control freak. There, I admit it. I like plans and I like order. I don't like change and I'm pretty impatient. So when Jesus says to trust him and don't worry about what the future holds, I tend to say, "nice one, Jesus, but that's easier said than done." I have this idea of what my life should look like in about 10 years and sometimes I honestly believe that what I've planned actually matters.

Here's the thing, though...God's in control. I forget that on a daily basis. But he promises it in Jeremiah 29:11 - "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" I once heard a metaphor about a life being like riding a two-person bike with us and Jesus as the riders. Everything would be fine if we just sat in the back seat and peddled and let Jesus do the steering, but more often than not, we take the handle bars and try to direct the bike. For me, it takes a crowbar to get me to release my grip on the steering column. But when I do, the ride is so much smoother and I can actually enjoy the scenery we're passing.

All I know is Your mercy surrounds me

Your thoughts for me outnumber the sand

Now I'm gonna sing it out

From my soul, only You understand me

You're holding me inside of Your hands.

"One Thirty Nine", Above the Golden State

Transparency

I fear that this post is going to be a little transparent and a LOT conceited. Last night, as I was journaling, a whole flood of things came out that I didn't intend and didn't expect to write. One thought, that has stuck with me through today was about the kind of person I want to become. At the root of the person I am now lies the fact that I am SO self-centered. Let this post be an example! Or the fact that today I wore my old sneakers to go running due to the recent rain and I grumbled in my head and to my parents about how my toes were wet and the shoes had no tread or cushioning left in them. Never mind the little girl in Zambia who walked 10 miles today to get water....barefoot. Or the Kenyan refugee who ran away from the rebel military in order to survive last night wearing no shoes. Nope, I was worried about getting shin splints. So in an effort to become more gracious, welcoming, patient, hospitable, enduring, and oh, yeah, humble, I'm going to lay it all on the line and be completely transparent. All of the aforementioned qualities are ones that Jesus exemplified in his life and teachings. I don't think its completely possible to be all of them, all of the time, but I'm going to give it a try.

One other thing that I want to do is to be more giving of myself. My friend, Jen, and I had a great conversation about 2 weeks ago about the cries of the world and how we're called to answer them and she said something that's really made me think. In Matthew 25, Jesus tells the parable of the sheep and the goats, in which he says,

"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me." (v. 35, 36 NIV)

He doesn't say "I was hungry and you gave money to a charity so that they could feed me." Now don't get me wrong, I am NOT saying that giving to charity is not good enough or that they aren't doing awesome work, but I think that its so easy for us to write a monthly check and the wash our hands of the situation, saying that we've done our part. And how often do we do these things out of moral obligation than out of the joy of Christ in our lives? It would be hypocritical of me to say that I don't struggle with this stuff. I mean, becoming a whole lot more giving is going to be difficult, considering I'm not a great risk-taker and I have a feeling this one is going to require a few leaps of faith. But I do think its good to be reminded that putting $20 in a envelope and sending it to a missionary or tithing each Sunday might not be exactly what Jesus meant when he said, "whatever you did for the least of these, you did for me."